I honestly have no idea whether I want a child. I’ve just read an article where someone described their childbirth as “…birthing a hurricane. A spiked mace. A heap of barbed wire…”. Why on earth would I want to put Lucy through that? The potentially horrific aspects of childbirth have been spelled out to me time and again and part of me never wants to see anyone go through that – let alone the woman that I love. You can add the quadrupling of the worlds population in 100 years as further reasons for me not to want to add more mouths to the world. What’s that? Japans population will shrink significantly in 50 years time? Awesome. There aren’t enough jobs to go round anyway.
But then I think of family and of the cliches of good parenthood. Watching your child discover the world, grow, gain confidence and blossom into an utterly brilliant human being. Thinking that one day I might sit in my armchair as my child presents to me my grandchild. We would sit down to dinner and celebrate out fortune as a family. Build a life and build a future. Together.
And then there’s the probable reality. Normal baby, issues with schools, difficult adolescence, get a job or go to uni, realise all my advice was winged or stolen from films. A call from the kids a couple of times a week, then a month. Then just a few visits a year. Whatever – it just sounds so, normal. Everyone thinks they’re special but most people are pretty average so why the fucking song and dance about having a kid?
Truth be told the decision isn’t mine. If Lucy says she wants children I’ll be there to support her throughout – regardless of my indecision stated above. It’s only fair really as we had the chat a decade ago and I’m almost certain that I said I ‘probably wanted kids one day’. Easy.
For the record I see my friends with their kids and I am genuinely happy for them. I want them to enjoy their family life and I wish them the best of luck. I also see other friends with no desire to have kids enjoying their life thoroughly – embracing their life as they see fit. Then I have friends who are still struggling to have children and that breaks my heart. Life isn’t fair.
The conclusion from all of this is I have no clear sense of direction as to what to do long term and that is reason enough to not have kids right now. My goals for this year focused purely on pursuing my dreams or improving my personal situation. Selfish goals certainly but maybe that’s the point? Right now I’m probably too selfish to have a child or maybe I’m just not willing to grow up. Either way I don’t think there’s a clear reason for me to try create a life. I’d love to hear your views on the subject of having kids so please comment below – you might just sway me.