Daydream until death…

I think too much and that’s my biggest flaw; at least, I think it is? I have time to mull things over (ah the joy of the western world) and I spend far too much of that time simply trying to figure everything out, when I could be a hell of a lot more productive actually focussing on one rewarding task. Instead I start to analyse facts and figures, opinions and news. For instance the state of the world makes no sense to me but I like to think it is becoming a nicer and safer place. Indeed studies show that that is the case (though equally there are other studies that argue otherwise). The internet is a minefield or dis-information hiding potential truths and trying to navigate it all is increasingly difficult. Regardless of what information is right or wrong, mainstream media likes to ram home the thought that at any moment you will get ripped to pieces by an explosion or that civilisation is teetering on the brink of annihilation. There’s little wonder in my head why people are killing themselves or are on anti depressants – when your own fears are portrayed to you in graphic fashion 24 hours a day there is little escape from the horror.

And what would you even escape to? Escape to where? Do what when you get there? Computer games, films and books are my release. Far simpler to try and understand a world that is confined by a designers imagination than deal with the one that we live in. I remember reading an article about on-line gaming where a chef said, “in the real world I hate my job and my life, in this one I am the King and thousands of people obey my commands. You tell me which one I prefer”. I too can spend hours upon hours on gaming because it is the one medium where I can control the plot and actions of the world I am living in. In Civilisation 5 I raised a mighty Ethiopian Empire that launched man to the stars. In Cities: Skyline I created a near perfect city where traffic flowed freely, people lived long prosperous lives and business boomed. Pleasing colourful worlds existed for me to play in and lose myself from the reality of the 21st life.

In many respects I’ve not grown up really, playing Lego as a child helped me fuel my imagination. I loved building and I loved technical drawings. The two would marry up to give me my first potential passion – architecture. Sadly any thoughts of that dream died when an abusive teacher put me off furthering my studies for fear of having him as an A-Level teacher. Could I study architecture again? Not for £9000 a year over 5-7 years – I’m too poor to consider that.

I’ve had many dreams that have been dashed upon the rocks of reality but I’m still safe and relatively secure compared to other people in this world. But I’m now in a sort of limbo where I can progress no further with my life and it feels like I’m literally daydreaming through my life, gradually ageing to the point where I will simply die and get turned into Soylent Green. (Poor little white man that I am with my car and house and wife and awesome stuff – I hate myself).

I just want a spark of hope. Just something to trigger some joy in my mind where I can look past the utter joke that is my existence. I want to find something rewarding, fulfilling and purposeful to spend the hours of my day making this world a better place because the world needs people like that. It needs people with hopes and dreams. It needs children to grow up to believe that they can achieve anything and to have the strength and discipline at home and at school to see them achieve their goals. The world needs ordinary people, not just the wealthy elite, to have a chance to impact on the worlds decision making – creating a better society, not just wealthy individuals. The world needs balance. I need balance.

Actually I just want a cup of tea. Lucy probably wants one too and I need to walk the dog. I’ve got to drive to Southampton today and help Lucy out with some placement stuff. When I get back I’ll probably try and lose myself in a fictional world but more likely I’ll head out to get food for the week so that I can carry on existing.

The train conductor comes up to me and asks if I have a ticket. I reply not yet but am looking for a destination that might be interesting to me. The conductor reaches inside his black robes and fetches a ticket made of human flesh. The creature passes it to me and tells me to enjoy the ride, drifting down the aisle to the next passenger. I look at the ticket and tattooed on the dead flesh is the word ‘nowhere’. 


One Comment Add yours

  1. defenderland says:

    Such is the fate of a melancholic temperament. On the bright side, I think we enjoy these litter reveries more than we let on, and if we ever did figure out our places in the world that joy would be denied us, so don’t be too hard on yourself.

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