30 (and 3 days) at 12:45pm.

on

Right now I’m sat in my living room basking in the glow of the last few weeks activity. From LARP, to my awesome holiday ‘down the rabbit hole’ in Devon and then on to my 30th Birthday; it’s been a bit of a whirlwind. I’m feeling pretty exhausted now and am happy to let Bank Holiday Monday drift by without worrying that I should be doing anything. I have, quite frankly, done enough and am happy to chill out today.

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In fact there’s more than the last few weeks that have drained me. This whole last year has been one of the most turbulent of my entire life yet almost wholly out of my control. Lucy’s father is very sick, I have had family issues to sort out and Lucy has been working towards getting into University. All three situations have been resolved and I won’t go into full details purely because I don’t feel it’s my place to talk about the issues of others – especially when there is still so much that can go wrong.

I hated writing that paragraph. There is so much I could talk about, so many details that I could tell the world but I have to simply shoulder them and wait for their respective owners to talk about them. They aren’t necessarily all bad situations, in fact one of the situations is positively awesome – but they aren’t my problems – they aren’t my life – even if all three have had a profound effect on how I live mine.

My very nature is to be open about things in my own life. I feel it is the only way to get past issues and whenever I haven’t been honest to people about my own problems, those issues start to consume me. I still make the odd bad choice but on the whole I try and live by that principle of honesty.

It has been proven to me again and again that lying is never the best course of action. I know how devastating it is when the truth comes out. I’m not talking about the little white lies but those big weighty blocks of shite that people try and hide. Eventually it’ll all come out in a torrent of shit that drowns everyone; not just you. That last bit it the bit that people forget – the shock wave that your incorrect course of action has on all the people in your life.

graveyard
This morning I walked through a large cemetery in Portsmouth with Lucy and Monty Dog. It was a beautiful day and very peaceful considering it’s slap bang in the centre of Portsmouth. During our walk we somehow stumbled across the grave of someone Lucy knew at school. It was complete chance that we found it and we both stood there taking in the brutal reality that someone our age was buried under our feet.

I have no real problem with death other than the fact I’d like mine to happen so far in the future that I’m happy to go. Death is the only thing that gives us a reason to live and therefore I both respect and accept death as an eventually. My intention is simply to live as honest a life as possible, achieving the things I want along the way and avoiding the things that will bring my will to live to a premature end.

Seeing that grave kicked in an urge to write. Having begun another decade of my life and having a new and (due to recent events) changed future ahead of me means I need to take stock of the realities around me and forge ahead with the simple act of living my life. I know there will always be things out of my control but as long as I stick by my principles then I’m sure that things will work out as close to the plan as possible.

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