So we’ve all finally shuddered to a halt after our frantic period of Britaingasms. Between Fifty Shades of Grey, the Olympics and our genuinely rubbish greyish/bluish drizzle filled summer I’m sure a fuck ton of meat for the administrative grinder has been gestated in the wombs of Britain’s fine Hogarthian women.
Wait right there though my patriotic friend! Don’t rush away from this blog too quickly. Just because I said that you might be a knocked up harlot does not mean that I think you are bad. Neither am I suggesting this brief period of Cool Britania is a bad thing. In fact I bloody love this country; and this is why…
1) Freedom of Speech:
The Queen is pointless and David Cameron is a cunt. There I’ve said it. It might not be true but that’s my opinion (possibly) and I’m sticking to it. Or I’m changing my mind and believing that the Queen is the cornerstone of our society and that David Cameron is a great helmsmen of the nation. I want to read a book about a paedophile and I want to read how paedophiles are ruining our country. Along with immigrants who may or may not be beneficial to the country.
Freedom of speech is the most important part of our society. The recent events regarding the tragedy at Hillsborough is a testament to this. No matter how long it takes- the truth will come out. Even if the truth is buried in a Car Park.
2) The Weather.
This country is blessed with constant comfortable weather. It is never too hot or too cold and we have no natural disasters looming to destroy us all. I think the reason we bitch about our climate so much is purely down to the fact that we know quite how good we have it and refuse to accept it. I’ll admit there is the odd freak weather moment but generally we don’t have to worry about losing our homes to tidal waves, hurricanes, earthquakes and all those horrific things we see on the news.
3) British Humour.
We, as Britons, have a duty to mock ourselves. As descendants of the great British Empire it is our honour to say to the world that yes, we may have introduced the concentration camp to the you. We also were the worst exploiters of slavery. We ruled the waves and spread our idea of civilisation to the far reaches of the planet. And now? Our famous brands are owned and produced in other countries. Our population is fuelled by the desire to reach the heady heights of a million pounds and a lucrative pop career under the sweaty wings of Simon Cowell. Britons work their nine to five in order to spend their hard cash on Blossom Hill Zinfandel and pints of strong Lager.
Britain I salute you – in the most self deprecatory way possible.
4) The English language.
Chaucer, Shakespeare, Dickens, Austin. Hardy, Keats, Byron, Wells, Doyle, Wolfe, Orwell, Greene, Rushdie, Duffy. This is not the cast of the next Expendables film my American chums (see point 1). This is what it means to be British. To be descended from some of the finest minds the world has ever seen. You are born into a country with the most spoken language across the world. Use this to your advantage. Or head back to sentence 7 of point 3.
5) British Spirit.
Thanks to our many years of dicking on the rest of the world and then slowly but surely losing the ability to do so, Britain now has a unique trait. We are the plucky Brits! Spy’s and tactics win the day for our tiny nation which punches above it’s weight because our people are gifted with many lucky things. Firstly our people can say what the want without necessarily being persecuted. Secondly we don’t have to worry about being swept away by a giant wave of death. Thirdly…
Oh you get the idea. Get off you arse and make what you want of your life. You are living in the finest country in the world.